A Wish to be Generous

photo credit: RevelationSpace

A little poetry is always soothing. On days when I can't put things into words, when everything seems like a failure, when I'm on the verge of becoming numb, it helps to get outdoors and connect with nature, with life.

A Wish to be Generous

All that I serve will die, all my delights,

the flesh kindled from my flesh, garden and field,

the silent lilies standing in the woods,

the woods, the hill, the whole earth, all

will burn in man's evil, or dwindle

in its own age. Let the world bring on me

the sleep of darkness without stars, so I may know

my little light taken from me into the seed

of the beginning and the end, so I may bow

to mystery, and take my stand on the earth

like a tree in a field, passing without haste

or regret toward what will be, my life

a patient willing descent into the grass.

-Wendell Berry

Berry has long been one of my favorite authors. In addition to poetry, he has a few great essays on economics and agriculture. The man fully understands and articulates what it's like to feel God in His creation, and how valuable that creation is to people like him...and me.

New Year, New Life

I've been finding it difficult to get anything done lately.

Chores like laundry and cleaning, which I generally dislike and avoid anyway, have been insurmountable. Cooking and baking, which I usually love, have been nearly off limits as I've been avoiding the kitchen. Knitting (sigh!), my favorite sedentary hobby, has been left in project bags and baskets for months now, unwanted.

I've struggled with feeling inadequate, useless, and lazy, but then my husband reminds me that for once I totally have a solid excuse: I'm pregnant!

After Thanksgiving, my desires and abilities began to change. I started eating everything in the house, nonstop. I fell asleep at 8pm and slept for 11-12 hours each night. We started hoping and getting excited...until the not-so-fun changes began. All-day nausea that kept me in bed until 1pm. Insomnia. Food aversions (mostly the smells) to things I usually love to eat.

Well! There went my awesome meal plan, chore schedule, and desire to get out and exercise!

Now that a few uncertain, rough months have gone by, I find myself feeling a little better each day. We're learning to cope with my new schedule of sleeping whenever I want. Paul's been great in the kitchen and doesn't mind making multiple grocery-store runs. We're finding new ways to plan meals (pretty much just keep a handful of "safe" basics on hand) and Paul's a champ at chores. He reminds me daily to rest, to not pressure myself, and to take the time to get used to these changes.

I'm just looking forward to getting my energy and proper appetite back!

Autumn

It's been awhile since I've felt like writing. Paul is on a work trip and with only the cat to talk to, I've been reflecting quite a bit.

Autumn is my new favorite season! The air is brisk and fresh, the cloud cover is thick and protective, and I have every excuse to bake, drink lots of hot tea, and curl up with a down blanket and knitting project. I have a lot of projects going just now, actually. It's been so long since I finished anything! Not just knitting, either. I picked up a sewing machine in August as a birthday gift to myself, and have been slowly learning how to sew sweet little things. Not curtains, like I need, because those are huge and tedious, but little fun things like project bags and wallets and a pincushion.

When my friends ask me what I've been up to for the last few days/weeks/months, my answer is always "I don't know, just busy I guess!" Things certainly haven't been easy since I left my job at the end of June, but they haven't been difficult, either. And that was the point--to alleviate stress and get back to good health. To answer some quick questions before I continue:

No, I'm not looking for another job.
No, I'm not pregnant.
No, I'm not doing nothing every day.

I'm learning to manage our home better. I'm learning how to make lasting knitted clothing items and gifts. I'm learning how to buy in bulk and cook delicious food efficiently. I'm learning to sew. I'm reading and getting enough sleep. I'm doing chores (which I suck at, so I can only get better, right?) and blessing my husband so that when he's at home we can spend time together or he can pursue his hobbies, rather than do chores. Oh, and I'm working on my business, Bumblebirch.

I'm content, something I haven't felt in a long, long time.